My landlord, Luda, showed up around 8pm with a bathtub Jacuzzi machine. My first reaction was more curious than confusion, which is weird because normally confusion comes first. The confusion this time came a little bit later and the more I think about it, the more I can see how the pieces all fit together in Luda’s grand scheme to import herself into America. My relationship with Luda is kind of like reading Lord of the Rings, each time I read it, the more I think Sam has a secret love crush on Frodo. Luda has a huge love crush on America which massively contributes to why I have a sweet apartment for a lot less than what its worth and maybe why she was standing in my apartment with a bathtub Jacuzzi machine. But like with most things that happen to me in Ukraine, I didn’t ask and decided to just see what would happen.
When I first moved in Luda didn’t say much about her self except that she lived in New York City for 3 years. She was ‘working and writing about American culture’. I discovered over the next few months that she was actually there illegally on a one year working visa and had skipped out on the part that required her to come back to Ukraine. Eventually, the U.S. Government broke up with Luda and the fact remains that even though the break up was not mutual (in fact the break up was brutal and Luda apparently put up one hell of a scene in the JFK airport) Luda still wants to go back. This plays into mine and Luda’s relationship on a regular basis and is usually the reasoning behind most of Luda actions.
One time, Luda offered to take me on an all expenses paid trip to Kiev to ‘see her countries capital.’ But part of the trip involved me going to the U.S. embassy to vouch on her behalf for a green card. All I had to do was tell the embassy that she only wanted to go to America visit my mother for a few weeks. “But Luda, you don’t even know my mothers name and not to mention that New York (where she planned to go) is a good 12 hour drive from South Carolina.” This didn’t really concern Luda and she said it was “just a little lie.” I opted to not go on the excursion to Kiev.
Another fact about Luda is that illegal immigration runs in her family. Her son and daughter in law live in Australia illegally. While they can’t really leave with out getting in trouble they do however send regular packages to Luda. A recent package included a bathtub Jacuzzi machine. So tonight Luda came by to collect rent with the bathtub Jacuzzi machine intentioned to distract me from her schemes. She’s a tricky one but I saw through it. The instructions were in English and Luda ‘needed my help to translate them.’ Luda speaks perfect English and can read effectively enough to regularly bring me (and discuss) articles printed off the internet about places to visit and see in America - so this was the first tip off. The second tip off was when half way through demonstrating how to use the machine and that she shouldn’t put the machine in the water, she very coyly said that I could hold on to the machine if I wanted. I wouldn’t have suspected anything but almost immediately after that sentence she asked me what countries she could fly to that go through the U.S. and if I knew anyone that worked at the airport. This developed into a 30 minute conversation about how you can’t just leave the airport with out going through customs and how just because I’m from America doesn’t mean I know people who work at the airport (or Brittany Spears). So that’s how I spent my Wednesday night and its pretty much how I spend the 1st of every month when I pay rent - playing one of the many games I play with Ukraine. It will only be a matter of time before Luda figures out that I cannot help her get an American visa and only a matter of time before I have to move out of my apartment. But at least I have access to luxuries such as a bathtub Jacuzzi machine and excursions to Kiev.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Grad School App:DMV as GRE:____________
Don’t worry, I am alive! I’ve been really busy studying for the GRE and other activities this summer. But, over the next few weeks I think I will be able to catch you up on past and current events. I will start with the most current and work my way backwards to where I left off.
It’s incredibly relieving to have finished the GRE; I feel like 100 kilograms have been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel human again! Jim, Justin, Kelly (my three friends and fellow PCV’s who I took the GRE with), and I went to a celebratory shashleek party in our friend Curtis’s village near Ternopil. I found myself somewhat socially awkward and tongue tied most of the weekend. I couldn’t tell if it was from locking myself in my apartment for months on end to study or my normal disposition but regardless, it felt really good to talk to human beings again and interact with the real world. Most of us kept using GRE vocabulary that one would not normally use in common conversation. Finding the appropriate small word synonyms is really difficult after you’ve forced your mind to memorize 3,000 ten lettered words and their definitions. (For those of you studying for the GRE, feel relieved that 1,000 of those words mean “to excoriate, disavow, or slanderous.) I also came back to site and immediately began to re-assimilate. I went to work and started work on the final conference for my tourism development project along side my counterpart who I hadn’t seen in weeks. Some of my friends who didn’t know what the GRE was thought I had gone back to America and in consequence, instigated the question if I was staying in Ukraine forever either for a job or a Ukrainian wife. I even cooked a Ukrainian dinner of palmeni, cutlet, rice, and kampyt then the next day started studying language again. Today I went for a walk through the bazaar just for cultural fun and then my English club had a jazz band play in contribution to October’s theme – “Music from America”. The students from the local music university not only rocked out jazz and blues standards but gave lengthy reports on the history of jazz and blues in America. It was a good way to return back home victorious over the evil GRE. But, while that battle has been won and all is well on the home front, another war is looming in the fatherland. Since I finally took the GRE last week and did well enough, I started the application process for graduate schools.
Trying to get all of the proper documents for graduate school admissions while living in Ukraine is like going to the DMV during rush hour. Even after years of checking your work and garnering the paper work you will always undoubtedly get to the front of the line and a snarky employee behind the desk will caustically tell you that you’re missing an obscure form that has at ONLY two letters and a six digit code. (Then you normally get tossed out of line like a rag doll by the people behind you who always seem to have the same problem. Seriously, with the plethora of technology now there has to be some way to streamline the process.) This lengthy process endured is hardly short of exhausting; its absolute mental and physical abuse. (I add physical because I received an intense paper cut on some obscure document that sounded like “SA-666666” today) Fortunately, my time in Ukraine has increased my stamina and endurance to this kind of abuse to above super human level. Graduate school admissions/the DMV have no idea who their messing with. So Let the games begin!
It’s incredibly relieving to have finished the GRE; I feel like 100 kilograms have been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel human again! Jim, Justin, Kelly (my three friends and fellow PCV’s who I took the GRE with), and I went to a celebratory shashleek party in our friend Curtis’s village near Ternopil. I found myself somewhat socially awkward and tongue tied most of the weekend. I couldn’t tell if it was from locking myself in my apartment for months on end to study or my normal disposition but regardless, it felt really good to talk to human beings again and interact with the real world. Most of us kept using GRE vocabulary that one would not normally use in common conversation. Finding the appropriate small word synonyms is really difficult after you’ve forced your mind to memorize 3,000 ten lettered words and their definitions. (For those of you studying for the GRE, feel relieved that 1,000 of those words mean “to excoriate, disavow, or slanderous.) I also came back to site and immediately began to re-assimilate. I went to work and started work on the final conference for my tourism development project along side my counterpart who I hadn’t seen in weeks. Some of my friends who didn’t know what the GRE was thought I had gone back to America and in consequence, instigated the question if I was staying in Ukraine forever either for a job or a Ukrainian wife. I even cooked a Ukrainian dinner of palmeni, cutlet, rice, and kampyt then the next day started studying language again. Today I went for a walk through the bazaar just for cultural fun and then my English club had a jazz band play in contribution to October’s theme – “Music from America”. The students from the local music university not only rocked out jazz and blues standards but gave lengthy reports on the history of jazz and blues in America. It was a good way to return back home victorious over the evil GRE. But, while that battle has been won and all is well on the home front, another war is looming in the fatherland. Since I finally took the GRE last week and did well enough, I started the application process for graduate schools.
Trying to get all of the proper documents for graduate school admissions while living in Ukraine is like going to the DMV during rush hour. Even after years of checking your work and garnering the paper work you will always undoubtedly get to the front of the line and a snarky employee behind the desk will caustically tell you that you’re missing an obscure form that has at ONLY two letters and a six digit code. (Then you normally get tossed out of line like a rag doll by the people behind you who always seem to have the same problem. Seriously, with the plethora of technology now there has to be some way to streamline the process.) This lengthy process endured is hardly short of exhausting; its absolute mental and physical abuse. (I add physical because I received an intense paper cut on some obscure document that sounded like “SA-666666” today) Fortunately, my time in Ukraine has increased my stamina and endurance to this kind of abuse to above super human level. Graduate school admissions/the DMV have no idea who their messing with. So Let the games begin!
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